Skipping ahead to J4.

The reason I started this blog was so that I didn't have a huge breakdown over how my life was going. It felt right to start with the beginning talking about my boyfriend, J1, and the first mistake, J2.

There is a J3 but he can wait until later because the newest problem is J4. You'll learn that I have a problem with boys whose names start with J. I mean, considering there is a J4, it's pretty obvious. I'm hopeful that it will stop with J4 but I was hoping that after J3...

What can I say about J4? I've known him since I was a senior in high school, he's slept with a bunch of my friends, and last year, I swore I would not add my name to his list but goddamnit, he's sexy and irresistible and everything I want right now.

J4, J4, J4. It started with his stupid fb message asking for my number because it would make him "happy" and of course, I want to make him happy. Flirting. I give in, give him my number, and take off for the night. Now, everything I learned about J4 comes from my two good friends K and B. He isn't look for a relationship and he's slept with a lot of people. B was one of those girls and it killed me to see her want this guy so bad but he would just use her for sex. When he asked if I wanted to hook up, I said no...at first. J1 and I were on a roll! Happy and finally back to normal. But then it just sounded so good, sneaky, and dangerous. I wasn't worried about wanting him like B did, I was in a relationship. I got my cuddles and love from J1.

So I texted him in a somewhat drunken haze asking what he was up to. Of course, he was on his way back from a party, did I want to go back to his apartment with him? Noyesnoyesno.

Yes.

And that's what I did. We snuck into his apartment (he's neighbors with J1 and roommates with K) and had an amazing night/morning, followed by another amazing night the next day. I was happy. Just like with J2, it was great to be wanted by someone and to have a different experience than what I was used to with J1.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I go over to K's to have a glass of wine with her and just talk about life. J4 comes out and I try so hard not to look at him...but I do. And then I want him all over again. Amazing night number 3.

So now I think I can just do this when it's convenient and no strings attached.

Wrong.

J2 scenario all over again. I find myself getting upset when I don't hear from him, I constantly remind myself that I have a boyfriend and I shouldn't be wanting him anyways. Get over yourself...you knew his history, you knew this could happen. But. It. Sucks. It's like the song from Rocky Horror, "Touchatouchatouch Me," I've tasted blood and I want more. More. More. More. 

I try to get over it, I'm trying really fucking hard. But I don't do well with rejection. I don't like when someone doesn't want me anymore and I'm reminded that I'm doing the same thing to J1.

I clearly don't want him anymore, or I wouldn't be sleeping around with J4. (Correction: Wouldn't have slept with J4...still nothing from him) I try to tell him this but he gets upset and guilts me into staying with him. He tells me no one will love me like he does, that he's the only one that cares about me. And I believe it. J2 didn't care, J3 (who I'll rant about later) doesn't care, and J4 reallyreally doesn't care.

What have I gotten myself into?