Well, that happened.

For once, I am not going to blog and rant and cry about how anyone whose name that starts with "J" has ruined my life, yet again. While that did happen in the past two weeks, I'm choosing not to focus on it. I'll mention it but that's as far as it goes.

Last week was the scariest week of my life. It's funny because I've learned since I was old enough to have a Myspace to not meet strangers on the internet, but, damnit, I'm 20 years old and want to meet new people! It's this stupid app called "Tinder" where you make totally biased decisions on whether or not you will like someone based on their pictures. Admittedly, I loved it until last weekend. When my friend K and I decided to meet some guys that we found on this Godforsaken app that were up for the weekend. I put my trust in the fact that her roommate, J4 (who I had spent the last couple of nights with hooking up at 4 am) would be there and everything would be fine with me, K, and these six strangers. Wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.

I'm not going to go into detail, it's not worth your time or mine, really. I've already written about it in a journal I keep hidden. Somehow, it helps me to cope. It's a long, confusing, terrible story and I'm not even sure I understand all aspects of it. I spent all of last week trying to figure it out. Trying to eat, sleep, and socialize like a normal human. What ended up happening was one meal a day, sleeping during the day, and the inability to focus on anything except what had happened. My GPA will take a hit, no doubt.

Alright. That's done.

I'll give the brief rundown of the J's. J4 and I are no longer seeing each other (he abandoned me that night when I needed him AND he slept with a friend of mine.) Granted, I knew he was a man-whore before sleeping with him but he's too fucking charming and good-looking and he knows how to play women. Over him.

My ex-boyfriend, J1, and I are no longer speaking. He was a selfish asshole who wouldn't forgive me for not going to his place to hang out after that night last week. He was so mad he deleted me on facebook (really showed me) so I'm over him easily enough. I can't even be mad at him for deleting me on facebook though. I was on the other side of a break-up once and the last thing I wanted to do was see him and his new girlfriend happily post on each others walls. I needed a break. I'm just mad that he is a selfish douchebag.

But there is hope for me! His name is T. He's one of the nicest guys I've met in a long time. He's been with me through this entire process, making sacrifices to make sure I was okay. I couldn't sleep last week: He came over and made a snowman with me at midnight. I was stressed out of my mind: He went for a run with me. I came home from the hospital after that night: He showed up, unexpectedly, to make sure I was okay (knowing I would tell him not to come if he had told me). He even spent the night last night with me, in my bed. We didn't get much sleep (it was 80 degrees in my room and the extra body made it impossible to get comfortable) but it was enjoyable just to have someone who understands and cares. We're taking it slow.

Real slow.

I still need time to heal. Spring break countdown: 4 days. Albany countdown: 11 days.

Retail therapy

Retail therapy. That seems to be the only thing that I need right now. I need a good manicure, a new purse, and some chocolate.

Let me update you. J1 and I are over. On Free Pancake Day, nonetheless, I finally got up the courage to break it off with him (hopefully for good). All I got in return was a hamster cage thrown my way and a million question interview from my friends and parents. I remember calling my parents after it happened and being totally okay with it. "I'm fine, I know this is the best decision," I said over and over on the phone.

It's not fine. It's been two days and I'm finally starting to feel it. I was home sick with the stomach flu today and it hit me that I had no one to come and cuddle me. No one to take care of me.

My friend M was suppose to come up this weekend to visit and I was going to start to get over this breakup. Fucking blizzard ruined that. She just texted me, upset over a boy. I explained that I missed J1, even if he was terrible to me. The more I think about it, I don't think I miss J1 at all. I think I miss the attention, J4 and I won't see each other for awhile (thanks stomach flu/Mother Nature) J2 and I don't talk, and J3...well he's taken.

So I'm an attention whore. This is not a good realization, but also one that's not surprising. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years of my life, with only a 4 month break in between the two. 3 years with W, 2 with J1. Before that, I never had a boyfriend. I was independent and didn't rely on attention from guys to make me happy. Is that what I've become? Unable to be independent? This breakup might be the best thing that could happen to me.

Sure, it's going to suck. I'm going to have to rely on other things to make me happy. The gym, my students, pep band. Something other than the dreaded J's or any other guy that I might be after.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I need a manicure. I need a purse. I can do this.

Skipping ahead to J4.

The reason I started this blog was so that I didn't have a huge breakdown over how my life was going. It felt right to start with the beginning talking about my boyfriend, J1, and the first mistake, J2.

There is a J3 but he can wait until later because the newest problem is J4. You'll learn that I have a problem with boys whose names start with J. I mean, considering there is a J4, it's pretty obvious. I'm hopeful that it will stop with J4 but I was hoping that after J3...

What can I say about J4? I've known him since I was a senior in high school, he's slept with a bunch of my friends, and last year, I swore I would not add my name to his list but goddamnit, he's sexy and irresistible and everything I want right now.

J4, J4, J4. It started with his stupid fb message asking for my number because it would make him "happy" and of course, I want to make him happy. Flirting. I give in, give him my number, and take off for the night. Now, everything I learned about J4 comes from my two good friends K and B. He isn't look for a relationship and he's slept with a lot of people. B was one of those girls and it killed me to see her want this guy so bad but he would just use her for sex. When he asked if I wanted to hook up, I said no...at first. J1 and I were on a roll! Happy and finally back to normal. But then it just sounded so good, sneaky, and dangerous. I wasn't worried about wanting him like B did, I was in a relationship. I got my cuddles and love from J1.

So I texted him in a somewhat drunken haze asking what he was up to. Of course, he was on his way back from a party, did I want to go back to his apartment with him? Noyesnoyesno.

Yes.

And that's what I did. We snuck into his apartment (he's neighbors with J1 and roommates with K) and had an amazing night/morning, followed by another amazing night the next day. I was happy. Just like with J2, it was great to be wanted by someone and to have a different experience than what I was used to with J1.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I go over to K's to have a glass of wine with her and just talk about life. J4 comes out and I try so hard not to look at him...but I do. And then I want him all over again. Amazing night number 3.

So now I think I can just do this when it's convenient and no strings attached.

Wrong.

J2 scenario all over again. I find myself getting upset when I don't hear from him, I constantly remind myself that I have a boyfriend and I shouldn't be wanting him anyways. Get over yourself...you knew his history, you knew this could happen. But. It. Sucks. It's like the song from Rocky Horror, "Touchatouchatouch Me," I've tasted blood and I want more. More. More. More. 

I try to get over it, I'm trying really fucking hard. But I don't do well with rejection. I don't like when someone doesn't want me anymore and I'm reminded that I'm doing the same thing to J1.

I clearly don't want him anymore, or I wouldn't be sleeping around with J4. (Correction: Wouldn't have slept with J4...still nothing from him) I try to tell him this but he gets upset and guilts me into staying with him. He tells me no one will love me like he does, that he's the only one that cares about me. And I believe it. J2 didn't care, J3 (who I'll rant about later) doesn't care, and J4 reallyreally doesn't care.

What have I gotten myself into?

The beginnings and J1 & J2

I won't be the first to admit that I've made my fair share of mistakes. Ask any of my friends, I am, for lack of a better phrase, fucked up. I have a fucked up relationship, I make fucked up choices, and I consistently fuck myself over.

Fuck.

After reading one of my best friends blog, it makes sense for me to start one. What better idea is there other than to type out all my random thoughts that I keep inside me or only spill to my closest friends? *ahem* I'm sure the guy who inspired me to write this blog is sick of hearing all about my relationship and sex life.

I don't even know where to start. The beginning is always the answer, and for me, the beginning starts about a year ago. Up until last March I was in a very happy relationship. Let's call this guy "J1" Trust me, there's plenty of J's in my life and he is the first. J1 and I started dating in August, right before sophomore year of college. Life was great, I was finally over my first ex, happy as can be. Our relationship was thriving until...he asked me to sleep with his friend (who we'll call J2). J1 has been bothering me about this for months but, like a good girlfriend, I ignored it and tried the best I could without actually cheating on him.

Fast forward to March 2012. I'm on the train coming home from spring break (the best spring break ever, I might add) During that week I attended the America East Basketball Tournament and watched my beloved Catamounts fight their way to victory and get a bid for March Madness. I also spent most of the week in Florida visiting my bestestestetst friend who had moved away in high school. Life. Was. Good. So now I was tan, happy, and feverishly emailing all my professors explaining that I was going to March Madness and missing a week of school (spoiler, we lost in the 2nd round). Then, I got the text that has continued to change my life (and not for the better). I can't remember the exact wording but it had to do with me sleeping with J2.

J2 is an attractive guy and it's hard not to want to sleep with him. However, by now, I was sick of being bothered to sleep with this guy and I figured the only way to get him to stop was to do it. And I did.

I know, I cheated on my boyfriend. I am a terrible girlfriend, I know. Any normal person would think I would feel guilty about the whole thing, and I do. But I loved it. It was different, it was fun, it was just what I needed. Besides, I was leaving the next day for Ohio for a week, I didn't need to feel the repercussions.

But I did. J2 constantly texted me and it felt good to be wanted. I started to developing a thing for this guy that I had hooked up with once and was constantly learning how much we had in common. Our love for the Patriots, Bruins, college basketball. It was great! I would get drunk every night with my closest friends, play my instrument on national TV, and go back to the hotel to flirt with J2 and fight with J1. It was towards the end of that week that I considered leaving J1 in hopes of being with J2.

No luck.

I stayed with J1, cut my ties (for the time being) with J2 and moved on to the first repair stage of my relationship.

Fuck.